Long range relationships …..

Bob joined in the army.

After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sent him a letter saying she’d slept with 2 guys since he’d left and wanted to break-up and gor hime to return all the pictures he had of her.

Deathbed Confession …..

A man was on his death bed in hospital, his wife at his bedside holding his hand.

The mans eyelids flickered open and he turned to his wife and said, “My dear wife, you have been loyal and kind to me, to my very deathbed. I wish I could say I was the same. I think you deserve to know that I have 3 other wives and 4 children which I have never told you about. And I came home late because I kept going to strip clubs.”

You’ve gotta watch the quiet ones …..

A quiet young man from China  joined a prestigous university. Some students started bullying him but the Chinese man ignored them.

After a few months of jeering at him the students came to their senses and felt very guilty, so the students came to apologise.

“Listen dude, you’ve been acting really noble, and we’ve been acting like real bastards, we’re really sorry”.

Bath Time …..

Punishment

What happens when you get caught …..

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

The patient’s girl friend had found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring

You never know who’s gonna meet you at the Pearly Gates …..

Two Middle-Eastern mothers …..

are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.” “Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the other mother cheerfully. “He’s a martyr now though” mum confides. “Oh, so sad, dear” says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21.” “Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, “he had such curly hair when he was born”. “He’s a martyr too” says mum quietly. “Oh, gracious me …” says the other.

“And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18”, she whispers. “Yes” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school”. He’s a martyr also,” says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says ……

They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

How to get into Heaven …..

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Xenodocheionology”.

Country Style …..

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter “country style.”

“What’s country style?” asks the city boy.

“Out here in the country,” the farmer says, “when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute.”

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, “All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn.”

The farmer grins. “Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck.”