Men’s Locker Room …..

Inside a men’s locker room of a golf course a mobile phone rang. Everybody stopped to listen.

A man picked up the phone and on the line was a lady, “Darling i saw a very beautiful dress, its only for £5,000 can I buy it?”

Man: “Sure darling.”

Continue reading

Advertisements

Christmas Carrolling Parrot …..

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly.

“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s reply. The shop owner then lit a match under the parrot’s left foot and Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night. Holy Night…”

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

Continue reading

Disease …..

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place.

 They’re undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says ‘when I was young I contracted kneesles’. She says ‘you mean measles’. He says ‘no, I actually got kneesles’.

She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says ‘shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio’. She says ‘you mean polio?’. He says ‘no, I got toelio’.

She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says ‘don’t tell me – smallcox’.

The Silent Fart …..

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ”

I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?”

He replies ” Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Horny Old Rancher …..

John saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a ‘Mail Order Bride.’

Being a good friend, John asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. John then asked Tom how old the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty one in November.”

Now John, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, he tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it’s course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, John ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” he asked.

Tom proudly said, “She’s pregnant!”

Happy that his sage advice had worked out, John continued, “And how’s the hired hand.”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant, too!”

———————————
Bookmark this with:

add to del.icio.usDigg itFacebookadd to ma.gnoliaStumble It!