How Press Conferences should be

Fasted Turtle in the West …..

A guy walks into a bar with his pet turtle in his hand. The bartender takes a look at the turtle and sees that its all scratched up, duct tape on its shell and a brace around its neck.

The guy takes a look under the bar and sees that the bartender has a springer spaniel. So the guy says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50 that my turtle can beat your dog in a race.”

The bartender looks again at the beaten up turtle and says, “Look, man, there’s no way! That turtle doesn’t stand a chance.” But the man insisted and the bartender took the bet thinking it would be an easy $50.

The guy counted down from 5, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”

When he yelled go, the bartender released his dog right as the guy chucked his turtle at the wall.

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Suicide Bomber …..

Abdul was meditating, getting prepared to strap on a suicide bomb, when suddenly his friend Ahmed appeared to him in his dream.

“Ahmed, bless Alah! Soon I will be joining you in paradise.”

“Abdul, you might not want to be so quick to go blow your self up.”

“Why? Isn’t it all that we’ve been told it is in heaven?”

“Well yes, it is very nice, but the 72 virgins aren’t what they’re cracked up to be.”

“Really? Why do you say that?”

“You ever see what kind of girls die a virgin?”

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Two Middle-Eastern mothers …..

are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.” “Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the other mother cheerfully. “He’s a martyr now though” mum confides. “Oh, so sad, dear” says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21.” “Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, “he had such curly hair when he was born”. “He’s a martyr too” says mum quietly. “Oh, gracious me …” says the other.

“And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18”, she whispers. “Yes” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school”. He’s a martyr also,” says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says ……

They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

Blonde Genies …..

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there’s a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he’s dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one,” I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”