Nun goes into confessional

“Father, I need to confess, I think I’m pregnant.” she says to the priest.

He asks how this could have happened, to which she replies, “I think it must be the second coming Father.”

The priest, shocked by this remark, replies, “And why do you think it is the second coming?” Continue reading

The Confessional …..

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put €50 in the poor box .’

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Twelve Priests …..

Twelve Catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

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The Vicar …..

A vicar and his friend are playing golf.

His friend misses a three foot putt and says, “Damn! missed the bugger!”

The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing.

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One for St Patrick’s Day ….

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, “Top O’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?”

She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.” The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”

She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”

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The Priest & the Nun …..

A catholic priest and a nun were in the desert when their camel suddenly collapsed and died leaving them stranded.

After several hours of walking in the intense heating and seemingly getting no-where, the nun asked the priest if he had any last wishes.

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Two Irish Catholics…..

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.

The Gossiping Parrott …..

Mrs. Smith bought herself a lovely parrot, and brought him home to her house. Unfortunatley, Mrs. Smith had a habit of gossiping on the phone, so her parrot heard all the towns secrets.

So when her husbands birthday rolled around, Mrs. Smith held a party at her house.

As her guests arrived, the parrot was sure to pipe up with a comment about them…

for instance when father Murphy walked in, the parrot yelled “Father Murphy is an alcoholic!”

Then when Mr. and Mrs. Wilson walked in, the parrot yelled “Mr. Wilson is sleeping with his secretary!”

This went on all night, and soon the entire room was ready to kill the parrot.

Finally, Mr. Smith heard enough and he told his wife he was going to kill the damn parrot for embarassing them so much… but as he approached the bird, it suddenly screamed “you have a huge dick!”, and Mr. Smith wheeled around and said “Well, I guess the damn bird is telling the truth about you guys as well!”