Horny Old Rancher …..

John saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a ‘Mail Order Bride.’

Being a good friend, John asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. John then asked Tom how old the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty one in November.”

Now John, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, he tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it’s course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, John ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” he asked.

Tom proudly said, “She’s pregnant!”

Happy that his sage advice had worked out, John continued, “And how’s the hired hand.”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant, too!”

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Beautiful …..

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.

‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher.

‘My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,’ he said.

‘Excellent, Michael!’ Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

‘Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, f***ing beautiful!”