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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money, ” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet turtle in his hand. The bartender takes a look at the turtle and sees that its all scratched up, duct tape on its shell and a brace around its neck.
The guy takes a look under the bar and sees that the bartender has a springer spaniel. So the guy says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50 that my turtle can beat your dog in a race.”
The bartender looks again at the beaten up turtle and says, “Look, man, there’s no way! That turtle doesn’t stand a chance.” But the man insisted and the bartender took the bet thinking it would be an easy $50.
The guy counted down from 5, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”
When he yelled go, the bartender released his dog right as the guy chucked his turtle at the wall.
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Mrs. Smith bought herself a lovely parrot, and brought him home to her house. Unfortunatley, Mrs. Smith had a habit of gossiping on the phone, so her parrot heard all the towns secrets.
So when her husbands birthday rolled around, Mrs. Smith held a party at her house.
As her guests arrived, the parrot was sure to pipe up with a comment about them…
for instance when father Murphy walked in, the parrot yelled “Father Murphy is an alcoholic!”
Then when Mr. and Mrs. Wilson walked in, the parrot yelled “Mr. Wilson is sleeping with his secretary!”
This went on all night, and soon the entire room was ready to kill the parrot.
Finally, Mr. Smith heard enough and he told his wife he was going to kill the damn parrot for embarassing them so much… but as he approached the bird, it suddenly screamed “you have a huge dick!”, and Mr. Smith wheeled around and said “Well, I guess the damn bird is telling the truth about you guys as well!”