Nun goes into confessional

“Father, I need to confess, I think I’m pregnant.” she says to the priest.

He asks how this could have happened, to which she replies, “I think it must be the second coming Father.”

The priest, shocked by this remark, replies, “And why do you think it is the second coming?” Continue reading

Advertisements

One Dieing Wish

A nun gets onto a bus, which is empty apart from her and the driver.

She says, “I’m going to die soon, but I want to have sex before I do. I must remain a virgin, so it shall have to be anal, I can’t commit adultery, so the man must be single, can you fulfil my wish?”

“Yes”, says the drive, and eagerly carries out the nuns wish.

Continue reading

The Nun and the Fig Leaf …..

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

Continue reading

The Priest & the Nun …..

A catholic priest and a nun were in the desert when their camel suddenly collapsed and died leaving them stranded.

After several hours of walking in the intense heating and seemingly getting no-where, the nun asked the priest if he had any last wishes.

Continue reading

Two Nuns …..

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. “Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshields wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen. “Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off the Car!”

Lord’s name in vain …..

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.”What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother~ 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I wa s pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”