The Vicar …..

A vicar and his friend are playing golf.

His friend misses a three foot putt and says, “Damn! missed the bugger!”

The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing.

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Men’s Locker Room …..

Inside a men’s locker room of a golf course a mobile phone rang. Everybody stopped to listen.

A man picked up the phone and on the line was a lady, “Darling i saw a very beautiful dress, its only for £5,000 can I buy it?”

Man: “Sure darling.”

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Lord’s name in vain …..

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.”What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother~ 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I wa s pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

Golf Lesson

Well, what should I do?”, asked the man.“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn’t wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asked the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”

The wife listened carefully to the pro’s advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!– the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

“You know, that was a lot better than I expected, ” the pro said. “Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands..”