A Heart-warming story …..

Whenever I am sad, no one sees my tears. Whenever I am lonely no one comes to comfort me. Whenever I am actually happy, no one sees my smile.

But ….. 

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Bodily functions …..

A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old,were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.

“How’d you do that?” she asks.

“Easy,” he exclaimed, “I just farted.”

“Can I try it?,” she asks. “Sure,” he says, “anybody can do it.”

She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there’s a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is.

He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back,spread eagle. Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,

Just what I thought, dual exhaust!”

The Farmer and the Mule …..

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Marriage – The 6yr old version …..

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”

“How about transportation?” the father asked.

“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.

“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

Surgery …..

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what’re you in for?”

“I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little worried,” said Tim.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Sammy said. “I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jelly I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?” replied Tim. “That’s not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What’re you here for?”

“I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for almost two years!”

Filtered Whisky

Irishmen Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends, agreed that when one passed on, the other would spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of his recently departed friend. As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Upon hearing of his friend’s illness, Pat came to visit one last time. “Shawn, can you hear me?” asked Pat.

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

“Yes, I do, Paddy,” Shawn strained.

“And you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey, which we have been saving for nearly 30 years now, over your grave,” said Pat.

“Yes, Paddy, I do,” whispered Shawn.

“It’s a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin’ at, Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?