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A drunk man walked into a pub, walking upto the bar he told told the barman, “I’ll bet you £100 that I can bite my right eye.”
The barman grinned and said, “Okay, you’re on.” The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it.
After more drinks the drunk said, “I bet you £200 I can bite my left eye.” The barman knew it could not be fake, so he said, “Okay.”The drunk pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
After a few more drinks, the drunk said, “I’ll bet you £500 that if you slide a glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar.” The barman knew he could not do it so he said okay. The barman slid the glass as fast as he could.
The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The barman jumped up and screamed in joy because he’d won £500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why he was screaming?
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!! Continue reading
Pat O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! All the guys in the bar laughed.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night. “She said, “Aye, what was your toast?” Pat said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh that is very nice indeed, Pat!” Mary said.
A man and his wife were driving on the highway one night when he got pulled over by the cops for speeding.
The cop walks up and informs the man of his unlawful deed.
“I never speed,” says the man.
The wife chimes in, “Oh yes you do – all the time!”