You never know who’s gonna meet you at the Pearly Gates …..

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Car Accident …..

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, “Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days.”

“Sure,” says the young guy, convinced the old man is crazy.

“And look at this!” says the old guy, reaching back into his car. “A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune.”

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. “Aren’t you having any?” asks the young guy.

“No, thanks,” replies the old guy. “I’ll wait for the police.”

Jewish or Black??? …..

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black

So Johnny asks, Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?”

“What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you’ll jus have to ask your father,” his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”

“What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more black?” asks his dad.

“Well, it’s like this dad… Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don’t know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it’s dark and steal the fucking thing.”

Bastard …….

A judge working a double-murder case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honour,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbour for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”