Matrimony

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Reincarnation

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!! Continue reading

Police Statement

A man has been found dead in a river this morning wearing an England Football shirt, women’s knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders, a blow up doll attached to his penis and a dildo inserted in his anus. Continue reading

The Purple Spotted Penis

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you — you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.’

The man looks a little perplexed and says: ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’

The doctor answers: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’

The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’

The doctor replies: ‘Well, it’s your choice.. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.’

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.’

The guy says to the doctor: ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ‘Stupid American doctors, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!’

‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.

‘ Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself.

An offer to good to refuse

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, ‘I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you…

The girl looked at him, and then said, ‘NO!’

Eddie said, ‘I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up. ‘

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.’

She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, ‘What happened…?’

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, ‘The bastard had all dimes!’