Deathbed Confession …..

A man was on his death bed in hospital, his wife at his bedside holding his hand.

The mans eyelids flickered open and he turned to his wife and said, “My dear wife, you have been loyal and kind to me, to my very deathbed. I wish I could say I was the same. I think you deserve to know that I have 3 other wives and 4 children which I have never told you about. And I came home late because I kept going to strip clubs.”

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You’ve gotta watch the quiet ones …..

A quiet young man from China  joined a prestigous university. Some students started bullying him but the Chinese man ignored them.

After a few months of jeering at him the students came to their senses and felt very guilty, so the students came to apologise.

“Listen dude, you’ve been acting really noble, and we’ve been acting like real bastards, we’re really sorry”.

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Upset …..

A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device… A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

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Father Christmas to the Rescue …..

A really hot beautiful blonde was about to jump off a bridge to kill herself. As she got ready to jump, Father Christmas came walking down and he said, “Now hold up a minute young lady, step down from there. I am the real Father Christmas.”

Surprised, she stepped down and said, “What?”

Father Christmas said, “This may sound weird, but I am the real Father Christmas. I am allowed to make one surprise visit per Christmas, and you looked like you needed a little help. What’s wrong?”

She said, “I have been working at my job for 3 great years and I got fired today. I thought to myself, whatever doesn’t kill me can make me stronger. So I went home to my great husband of 5 years only to find him in bed with my best friend! So I said to myself, ‘I lost my job, my boyfriend and my best friend, I have nothing else to live for!'”

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Christmas Carrolling Parrot …..

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly.

“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s reply. The shop owner then lit a match under the parrot’s left foot and Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night. Holy Night…”

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

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Peter Kay’s John Smiths Ads …..

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