Fasted Turtle in the West …..

A guy walks into a bar with his pet turtle in his hand. The bartender takes a look at the turtle and sees that its all scratched up, duct tape on its shell and a brace around its neck.

The guy takes a look under the bar and sees that the bartender has a springer spaniel. So the guy says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50 that my turtle can beat your dog in a race.”

The bartender looks again at the beaten up turtle and says, “Look, man, there’s no way! That turtle doesn’t stand a chance.” But the man insisted and the bartender took the bet thinking it would be an easy $50.

The guy counted down from 5, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”

When he yelled go, the bartender released his dog right as the guy chucked his turtle at the wall.

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Horny Old Rancher …..

John saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a ‘Mail Order Bride.’

Being a good friend, John asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. John then asked Tom how old the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty one in November.”

Now John, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, he tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it’s course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, John ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” he asked.

Tom proudly said, “She’s pregnant!”

Happy that his sage advice had worked out, John continued, “And how’s the hired hand.”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant, too!”

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AS you grown older your body may fade, but your mind doesn’t …..

An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. ” I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

Good Luck Mr Gorsky …..

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, “When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbour’s bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

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