Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him
A woman visits her accountant to file her taxes. He asks her, “What’s your occupation?”
The woman says, “I’m a hooker.”
The accountant balks and says, “Oh, that’s too crass. Let’s try to rephrase it.”
“How about ‘prostitute’” the woman suggests.
“That’s still too crude,” he says.
They both think for a minute, then the woman blurts out, “Let’s say I’m a chicken farmer.”
“What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?” the accountant asks incredulously.
The woman answers, “I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.
There is a hush—no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!” The congregation applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay, I’ll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” The congregation cheers again.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!” There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?”
Sadie’s 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw the Rabbi.’
Mrs. Smith bought herself a lovely parrot, and brought him home to her house. Unfortunatley, Mrs. Smith had a habit of gossiping on the phone, so her parrot heard all the towns secrets.
So when her husbands birthday rolled around, Mrs. Smith held a party at her house.
As her guests arrived, the parrot was sure to pipe up with a comment about them…
for instance when father Murphy walked in, the parrot yelled “Father Murphy is an alcoholic!”
Then when Mr. and Mrs. Wilson walked in, the parrot yelled “Mr. Wilson is sleeping with his secretary!”
This went on all night, and soon the entire room was ready to kill the parrot.
Finally, Mr. Smith heard enough and he told his wife he was going to kill the damn parrot for embarassing them so much… but as he approached the bird, it suddenly screamed “you have a huge dick!”, and Mr. Smith wheeled around and said “Well, I guess the damn bird is telling the truth about you guys as well!”
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
One day, a country mother decided to take her 3 sons to the doctor to discover why they had been sick so much as of late. The doctor, upon examining them, told the mother the sons lacked iron in their diet. Not completely understanding what the doctor had told her, she began to mix small iron ball bearings into her sons’ food.
About a day after the new regime of iron had begun, one of the sons confronted his mother. “Ma! You won’t believe this!” He said. “What?” his Mother inquired. “Well,” he began, “I was going to pee, and all the sudden, I passed a ball bearing!” The mother nodded. “Yes,” She said, “I know, I put iron ball bearings in your food because the doctor told me of your iron deficiency.” “Oh..” The boy said, “that explains a lot…” and the boy scampered off.
Another day passed when another of the Mother’s sons came to speak with her. “Ma! You won’t believe this!” “What?” his Mother inquired. “Well,” he began, “I went to take a crap, and all the sudden, I passed a ball bearing!” The mother nodded. “Yes,” She said, “I already explained this to your brother; I put iron ball bearings in your food because the doctor told me of your iron deficiency.” “Oh…” The boy said, “That would explain it…” and the boy scampered off.
The next day, the Mother’s remaining son came to talk to her. “Ma!” He screamed, “You are never going to believe what just happened!” “Let me guess,” His mother said, “you went to the bathroom and out popped a ball bearing, right?”
“No…” The boy began, “I was out in the barn jacking off and I shot the dog!”