Tom & Mel went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, Tom said, “Okay, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Mel shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
Tom says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said “The sky is definitely blue”. The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looked at him and said “No…But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.” So the student replies, “Then I definitely shit my pants.”
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.
‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher.
‘My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,’ he said.
‘Excellent, Michael!’ Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
‘Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, f***ing beautiful!”
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”
“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.
“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s drinking.”