The Naked Truth …..

This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in. He asks, ”What the hell are you doing?”

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ”Uhm…waiting for you.”

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ”But you’re naked.”

The Confessional …..

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put €50 in the poor box .’

No Screwing!!! …..

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.

“Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

Tennis Elbow …..

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money, ” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Long range relationships …..

Bob joined in the army.

After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sent him a letter saying she’d slept with 2 guys since he’d left and wanted to break-up and gor hime to return all the pictures he had of her.

I think you’re the Father of one of my kids …..

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says, “Hello!”

He’s rather taken back because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

Cowboy talk …..

Two cowboys are talking about sex.

The first says, “I like the rodeo position the best.”

“I haven’t heard of that one”, replies the second, “What’s that?”